The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering From Affairs by Peggy Vaughan

Author:Peggy Vaughan [Vaughan, Peggy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Psychology, Human Sexuality, Interpersonal Relations, mental health
ISBN: 9781557048813
Google: LMijtHXzaHQC
Publisher: Harper Collins
Published: 2009-08-18T23:44:30.870915+00:00

DON’T TRUST A PROMISE OF MONOGAMY

Most people feel that rebuilding trust in a partner who had an affair depends on their mate promising to be monogamous in the future.

It’s understandable that they want some kind of reassurance, but a promise of monogamy is no guarantee (as is clear from the fact that this promise is assumed to be part of the wedding vows, which have already been broken).

In the case of one couple (who had spent about six months dealing with the fallout from his affair), a decision was made to stay together and have a ceremony to renew their wedding vows in front of friends and family. The first time they had simply assumed monogamy, but this time they were making a clear commitment to be monogamous. She felt sure she could trust his promise of monogamy; so she put the past behind, thinking affairs would never again be an issue she need be concerned about.

Unfortunately, this issue was not over, as she soon learned. A few months after the renewal of their marriage vows, she got a call from an anonymous “friend” who informed her that her husband was still seeing the woman he had had the affair with and that he was with her at that time. At first, his wife didn’t believe it; but she couldn’t resist going to verify it for herself. When she found him with the other woman, she went berserk. She screamed at her husband and physically attacked the other woman. She was overcome with rage and hatred, for them as well as for herself for being duped by his renewed promise of monogamy.

He finally admitted he had never ended the affair as he had said, but promised to do so now. But it was too late; at that point, she was unwilling to hear anything he had to say. She felt there was no way she could ever believe him again. The pain and embarrassment of renewing their commitment publicly (when, in fact, she was the only one who meant it) was more than she could bear. She filed for divorce shortly thereafter.

Monogamy doesn’t depend on a one-time decision, whether it’s made at the beginning of a relationship or following an affair. Even if a person intends to be monogamous when they make that commitment, it doesn’t mean they won’t change their thinking at some future time. When there’s only a promise of monogamy, there’s no way to determine when a person’s thinking is changing and they are moving toward the possibility of an affair.

If there’s no security in a promise of monogamy, this still leaves the problem of finding a way to overcome the fears and doubts that most people feel after dealing with a partner’s affair. (It’s important to note that trust is likely to be a problem not only if the marriage continues, but also in any new relationship that develops in the future.)

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